Checking In

A little this, a little that

What’s on your mind? Remember when you used to log into Twitter and that would be the faint text in the box before you typed whatever your thoughts were in that moment? As I sit in front of my laptop with a bit of writer’s block for Around The Corner and today’s note, I asked myself just that. So let’s (for once) have a more digestible Substack with what’s swirling in my mind. Here are some lessons and thoughts from vacation.

Unapologetically Me

The other day I found myself victim to comparison, the thief of all joy. I had to remember that staying true to who I am is the best way to honor myself. I’ve tried being other people, whether it was emulating their style, trying to do the things they did as if it would bring me some kind of…anything, and I’ve relaxed my preferences and boundaries (sometimes too much) because I saw someone else do it, and in some instances, have a better outcome. The Kamaria sitting before you is the one that learned the hard way that being myself is the absolute only way to go. Watching Cardi B’s media blitz for Am I The Drama? was a reminder that authenticity is something that can’t be bought. Say what you want, but one of Cardi’s greatest gifts is that she is unapologetically herself, whether it’s in the White House or the Bronx. I think there’s something to be learned from someone like her who lives so boldly in a world where we’re (especially women) constantly told to settle down. (“Safe” is a bop btw.) There are times where I question my belonging solely based on circumstance. The people I’m surrounded by, the way that I look, the media I consume. If I didn’t have some level of confidence I’d probably succumb to it all and hide and/or conform. But if being me has gotten me this far, why stop now? Being particular is me. Being funny is me. Having a strong opinion is me. I’ve done some self-work, so I know I’m not flawless and won’t always be right, but my unique perspective is just another part of what makes me, well… me.

OOO

I’m on holiday *said in the most annoying European accent you can imagine* and this is my first real break in 11 months. And it was one I had to fight for. I did what I could to make sure things wouldn’t crash and burn while I’m out, and as we got closer to the date, I thought about giving in. But I stayed committed to going offline. Everyone deserves that kind of time: no emails or anxiety around the pings. I’ve been waking up when I want to, staying up as late as I want to, and letting these days roll into one another without a second thought. *insert this and not knowing what day it is meme* Faux girl bosses need breaks too, and I didn’t realize how much I needed one. Working in social has this always-on element to it which is a gift and a curse. Right now, my always-on time is for me, and me alone. There’s a calmness that I’ve experienced these past few days and reminds me why breaks matter. Did I need to fly thousands of miles to return to myself? Probably not, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. Let this be your reminder to take a break. And remember, you don’t always need a reason.

Comfort Zones

I told a friend this morning that sometimes we’re meant to color outside the lines, no matter how regimented you are or serious we are. Our paths through life aren’t always straight for a reason. It’s the detours and road blocks that make the trip sweeter, and somehow we still reach our destination. I found myself stepping out in ways I hadn’t imagined. I felt the tug to be in the water when we’re out in the bay. After begging for a life vest—our captain gave me a noodle instead—I let myself just be in the bluest water I’ve ever seen. Perhaps I am really a Pisces because it was giving fish! LOL. The last time I was in an open body of water like that was 8ish years ago in Greece. I let fear lead me that time, I didn’t realize it was something I needed to conquer until I returned to the boat, refreshed. The same goes for driving. It’s been some *tricky* roads, but I took a mind over matter approach, with the help of friends. I’ve never driven abroad, and definitely not on these windy one-lane roads. I focused and conquered another suppressed fear.

Choices

Our lives are stitched together by choices—some we make, some that are made for us. Mine is no different. I used to get really mad (read: offended) when people would say stuff like “You’re always on vacation” or “You’re always going somewhere.” And I guess by offended, I mean that and I felt a sense of guilt. I questioned if I deserved to gtf when I felt like it. The truth is, traveling isn’t just an escape for me, as much as it is discovery. I never come back the way I left. But these trips, are all a result of choices and planning. Some planned a year in advance, or sometimes a mere two weeks in advance. It’s not all happenstance. For a long time I’d respond defensively with “Well, we all choose to spend our money different ways.” It wasn’t the nicest way to say it, but it wasn’t untrue either. I’m not doing anything revolutionary. I just prioritize travel over the other material things that once consumed me (I still love a good bag too so don’t trip). What I know now is that these choices are mine and a reflection of me. That should be enough. It is enough. I just have to keep reminding myself of that when the world or those around me make me feel otherwise.

Sometimes stepping out of fear looks like floating.

Dreams

Long story short, I’m not dreaming big enough. I had an experience a couple weeks ago that rocked my world a bit. I saw life from a point of view I hadn’t before. It showed me just how good life can get, and like I and many others have said before, you cannot be what you can’t see. Dreams without works are dead though and you already know where I’m headed: I really have to lock in with Violet. I’m hoping these next few days I can get back into her mind, explore my dreams for her and map out how this story ends or at least where it pauses until book two. With the freer headspace I want to make a plan and finally wrap this up. Send good vibes. The book opens doors for everything else, and I know this. It allows a larger world to be built around Violet, gives me space to explore my other creative pursuits (the list is long), and lets me live the life I dream of—one free of time and space.

These notes may feel like ramblings, but they’re just me checking in…with myself, with you, with the moment. Returning to my opening question, “What’s on your mind?” is still a good one to sit with.

This is what’s on mine right now: be unapologetically yourself, take the break you’ve been putting off, step outside the lines every once in a while, own the choices that make your life yours, and above all, dream bigger.

These are my thoughts, and maybe you needed the reminder too. Until next time.

<3