I Deserve It All

TDE is teaching me well

In preparing for the new year I took some time to think about what I wanted and how I’m going to get there. There were some common themes that came up once I dove deeper into the meanings behind the priorities I set. It’s no secret that I struggle with setting goals (and keeping them). Sometimes I’m so anti that I wonder if any of this really works. But how will I ever know without the data? I’ve tried vision boarding. Never looked at the scrappy piece of cardboard again. I tried coming up with a word for the year—I forgot it halfway through the month. I sat at roundtables while people shared their goals and I smiled and affirmed theirs while barely sharing mine, or being ashamed to. These past couple of years I’ve been trying to figure out why that is and really unpack it. I’m vulnerable here, on the page, in some group texts, in IRL conversations with the people I care for most, and maybe with a random person at the bar after too many lychee martinis. There’s still a blocker I have for radical vulnerability. And not just that, but confidence. When I sat with my notebook and pen thinking about 2026 and just what I wanted, those two were at the root of many of my wishes. So, how do I get there?

I think I have to do the hard things. Go deeper. Talk more. Write more. Internally, I know exactly what I want and who I want to be. I just don’t express it outwardly. I’m going to have to, though. At some point in noodling on this “man at the garden” by Kendrick Lamar started playing in my mind. It’s perfect for what I see as the more formed, walking in power version of myself I’m trying to get to. I do deserve it all. And I want the accolades, I won’t even lie to you. I just don’t want to spend my time talking and spilling into a void about them before they happen.

Daily reminders.

It was only right that Doechii drop “girl, get up.” before the year ended. Another mantra if I ever heard one. When SZA rang out the chorus:

“Fuck a limitation, leave me, girl, get up

Somehow, I know that I’ll have everything, it’s mine

Mine, mine”

I *pounds chest* felt that. Verse two got me too because in my mind Doechii is channeling the fully realized me:

“But what’s the agenda when the it girl black?

Y’all can’t fathom that I work this hard

And y’all can’t fathom that I earned this chart

Y’all can’t stand my vibe ‘cause I’m anointed”

Two songs with two different but similar meanings sit at the forefront of my brain as I attack what it is I want to do and who I want to be. I sat with how I get there so that a few months from now, a year from now, I’m turning up the volume a little louder when those songs come on shuffle. Rapping and singing the lyrics with a bit more gusto. A big part of it is showing up for myself, consistently and honestly. Every day won’t be a walk in the park but daily (read: small) deposits get me closer to my goals. I can’t shy away from the dreams I have when the pressure is on. I have a habit of hiding, of playing small.

Around The Corner reminds me what a choice that is. Violet, after years of being closed off without realizing it, is faced with a decision to live differently when she least expects it. The more I read, write, and live, the more I realize that while I think I’ve decided to live differently, I haven’t just yet. Violet is making her decision well before Kamaria does. I have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and BOY OH BOY do I like comfort. If it doesn’t feel good I don’t want it, but sometimes I have to dredge through the mud to get back to solid ground.

I feel like I’m writing a lot without saying a lot but those songs, this work, they’ve helped me build up a manifesto for myself and how I’m walking through this year. The real one, is for me and my journal, but for now, just know this: I deserve it all.

Until next time.